So Fragile And Still So Stong

I sit here in my bed listening to music and I'm not sure why but the music helps me think about everything in my life.. all the good, all the bad and I sit here thinking how sad I am... how torn and beat up I am about life. I'm so lonely here in this part of my life... I know that this happens to people but not me... I've always been so strong I don't crack or break but I see myself slowly falling.... At the same time I feel that I will be grateful for this fall.

There's this song that stands out to me saying " I wish I wasn't always wrong, I wish it wasn't always my fault. The finger that your pointing has knocked me down on my knees and all you need to know is that I'm so sorry it's not like me it's maturity that I'm lacking"... nothing really personal just made me think.

Although I see how fragile I've become I have also seen how strong I'm becoming... with each day I see more strength in myself I am trying so hard and that takes so much. I love so much and that kills me, but for me to keep loving the way I do takes a lot... I sometimes feel like my heart will never mend back but it never fails me it's still strong and still so fragile... unfortunately most people are just like this.

Trying To Make The Right Choice

Lately I have been a little down... I've been having a hard time with some "friends" I just don't know where I stand with them so I think it's best if I start to move on. I hate having to cut off friends that you've had for a while for the sake of your own sanity! I'll miss them for sure!!! It breaks my heart that I have to do this, but at the same time I know its what I need to do for me and my state of mind.

On a good note I've lost 40 lbs and that's awesome! That makes me a really happy person for sure! I'm excited to keep this going It's been about 3 months or so... I think that's pretty amazing! I work out 4-5 times a week and I eat really healthy and in moderation. I'm excited to get my old body back and I'm excited to be healthy and more active.

I have now realized that I am really happy when I'm alone... I love my freedom I love not having to worry about EVERYTHING, but in all reality that's not my life and I have to accept it. It's great at times and it really sucks at other times. I suck it up and deal with the crap I don't like doing but try to find the fun in anything really. I need to do something for me and I know exactly what I wanna do and I'm super excited and I know it's just the thing to get me out of this negative place that I've found my self swimming in.

Pick Me Up

If this is how it hurts it couldn't get much worse

If this is how it feels to fall

Then that's the way it is, we live with what we miss

We learn to build another wall till it falls

The Story Of My Life

Why do I care so much

Why do I believe in the wrong people

Why am I so gullible

Why do I get my heart Involved

Why am I a target

Why...

Love

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."

-Chuck Palahniuk

Happiness

Happiness is something worth fighting for... I've learned that the hard way, and I also feel like it has taken me such a long time to figure that out. I have been visiting my past a lot lately and talking to old friends and it's been fun they are pretty amazing people.

A little update on my weight loss... I've lost 33 lbs so far and I'm happy about it! I'm working so hard to get this weight off! I eat really really healthy and I work out 4-5 days a week!! My neighbor Jess is my little workout buddy and I love how motivated we keep each other, and how we push each other to do more and be stronger. I love this new found me... I will never let go of this person in me right now because for once in my life I am taking charge and making changes and being who I really am! For once I know I am on the right path!

Remember: Work for a cause, not for applause. Live to express, not to impress!